Camouflage is a game we all like to play.

The Art Snob will stand back from a picture at some distance, his head cocked slightly to one side.

A lady is nothing very specific. One man’s lady is another man’s woman; sometimes, one man’s lady is another man’s wife. Definitions overlap but they almost never coincide.

Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn’t have given you worse advice...

I’d love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can’t count that high.

Shouldn’t you have a license for being that ugly?

There are times when you just get down, you feel like nobody likes you. We’re in high school forever. It’s just what we do with it.

Cynicism is the intellectual cripple’s substitute for intelligence. It is the dishonest businessman’s substitute for conscience. It is the communicator’s substitute, whether he is advertising man or editor or writer, for self-respect.

Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.

I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.